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goooooood morning dear readers. Welcome back to another edition of MaxFindsCars.
Today, in honor of NFL season and because Roger Goodell paid me an exorbitant (imaginary) sum of money for this collab, we will be answering the age old question:
âWhat if every 2026 NFL team was a car?â Not what car is the franchise, historically. What car is their 2026 team.
This was very scientific - I leaned on quants at the most lucrative hedge funds, I called in a personal favor with Sam Altman (I helped him tile his bathroom back in â96) to evaporate all of Lake Americaâs water to fuel his AI supercomputer to assist me, and MOST IMPORTANTLY it was written just prior to the NFL week 1âŚ
Reading back over this now, its pretty hilarious how wrong a few of these might end up being by season end.
Anyways, I organized this list by division. Some will have explanations, some will not (because if I explained some of them I would probably get in trouble).
HERE WE GO.
AFC NORTH
Cleveland Browns - White Panel Van
seems fitting for a number (letâs say, 27?) of reasons, no?
Cincinnati Bengals - Mazda RX-7
Great to look at, loved by many⌠but no one wants to buy it because it could blow up at any moment.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Ford Excursion with 16 radio antennas bolted to the roof
I mean⌠their team is led by a guy who thinks Antarctica is hiding a secret civilization, and a guy who did Ayahuasca because he believed it would heal his Achilles tendon.
Baltimore Ravens - Purple BMW M5
A great all around squad, but with new coaching and an aging/unproven offense, it might just get you into some trouble.
AFC East
Buffalo Bills - GMC Sierra 1500 Denali Ultimate
The Bills are âblue collarâ, but they also just built a $2 billion dollar stadium. A truck thatâs both sneaky expensive, and sneaky luxurious seems fitting here (I love you Bills fans, donât kill me).
New England Patriots - Toyota 4Runner
Fun fact, after the Ashley Madison leak (a website that facilitated extramarital affairs) some years back, independent researchers combed through the sites users and found that Toyota was the #1 most common car driven by those who cheat on their spouse.
Miami Dolphins - 1992 Saturn SL1
but maybe with the roof chopped off to make it more Florida.
New York Jets - New Jersey transit
I asked a Jets fan about this one. He said: NJ Transit because âits just gonna fuck your day up and not apologize about itâ, much like his beloved Jets.
AFC West
Denver Broncos - Saab 900 Turbo
Present day Max here, because I wrote this before the Monday night game. Boy did I miss on this one. Before Monday the caption here was going to be âthe Denver Broncos are a Saab 900 Turbo because they are the thinking manâs contender this year.â YIKES.
Kansas City Chiefs - PT Cruiser
Okay maybe this is harsh. I love Kenneth Walker & Andy Reid, Spags always has a fun defense to watchâŚ
I just am tired of seeing Pat Mahomes and Travis Kelce in every primetime game. Maybe that makes me a hater. I bet it rules for anyone who is a fan of KC to know you have a combination of guys that will always be contenders.
Now I am talking myself back into the PT Cruiser thing though. To PT Cruiser enthusiasts, these things are the bees knees. To everyone else, we donât want to see them around anymore. 3 Super Bowl rings is enough!
Las Vegas Raiders - Toyota Prius
It just seems like Fernando Mendoza would drive one, doesnât it?
Los Angeles Chargers - BMW E90 M3
McDaniel is going to bring some speed and spice to this offense, but Harbaugh at the helm means their car simply needs a V8. (present day Max again, OOF).
AFC South
Houston Texans - Ford Super Duty F-450 (DUALLY BABY)
These Texans are going to get dirty, get the job done, and you donât want to get hit by them.
Indianapolis Colts - Toyota Corolla
Theyâre quite drab, but theyâll probably still get 9 wins.
Jacksonville Jaguars - DeTomaso Pantera
Theyâre kind of exotic⌠kind of mysterious. They arenât quite a Ferrari, but from certain angles they kinda look like one, and theyâre always driven by a guy with long hair so bizarrely straight and blonde it makes you uncomfortable.
This is how I feel about the Jags. They were sneaky one of the better teams last year. Trevor Lawrence, for all his interesting hair choices (though who am I to talk as a card carrying member of the male pattern baldness club), was in the MVP conversation last year. And⌠what even goes on in Jacksonville? I genuinely donât know a single soul who has ever been there. Is it a real place?
Titans - Catfish (4th gen) Camaro convertible
they just never look rightâŚ
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals - Bicycle
especially in the division they are in, this Cardinals team might be a really sad watch. I genuinely would rather watch a really small Kyler Murray try to hop up on this bicycle than actually watch them play football (yes I know Kyler is not on Arizona anymore, he would just be the funniest NFL player to watch in this specific situation).
đŚ Seattle Seahawks - 1989 Porsche 911 DLS by Singer
This 1989 Porsche 911 Carrera is but one of 75 examples modified by Singer in collaboration with Williams Advanced Engineering in Oxfordshire, England. This project, known internally as âParadiseâ, features carbon-fiber bodywork finished in Albert Blue Pearl paint. Itâs powered by a Williams-built 4.0L flat-six engine & features a Hewland six-speed manual transaxle, Brembo carbon-ceramic disc brakes, and custom 18â BBS forged magnesium wheels.
This Singer is, truly, perfection incarnate. As such, it is only fitting that the Seattle Seahawks car equivalent is a Singer 911. This is not biased at all. Purely scientific.
San Francisco 49ers - Tesla Model S
mostly because they are all powered by the electrical substation bordering their practice facility, but also because their coach should buy one with the self-driving package.
Los Angeles Rams - Honda Civic with no muffler
Theyâre loud and they think they are really, really cool. Its driver probably got PRP injections in his beard so he could grow it better. The passenger is wearing a flat brim hat sideways, but is a 40 year old father (pictured).
They genuinely think they are on top of the world. You almost feel bad knowing reality is going to catch up to them.
NFC North
Chicago Bears - Rivian R1T
hip, new, a tad flashy.
Detroit Lions - Ford Mustang Shelby GT500
The kings of the Motor City, these Lions are fast, strong, and dangerous in a crowd of people (just like a Mustang, iykyk).
Green Bay Packers - Toyota Camry
Something about this packers team is just very uninspiring to me. Theyâll somehow be pretty good like always though.
Vikings - Autozam AZ-1
This kei car is small, but looks quite quick. It has a lot of flash in a tiny package. But⌠does it have the firepower to go up against its full-size rivals?
NFC East
Giants - Jeep Wrangler Rubicon
These Giants look tough, hit hard. Yet much like the modern Jeep, you worry they will fall apart.
Cowboys - Doug Dimmadome (owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome)âs limo
For my fellow 90âs kids, Dougy D has a whole lot of Jerry Jones energy.
Flifadeffia Eagles - Dodge Challenger Hellcat
For the most part their fans are chaotic, dangerous, and loud⌠much like a Hellcat.
Washington Commanders - Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet
Not really sure about these guys, but the CrossCab just feels right.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons - battered Nissan Altima
The Falcons are 100% weird. Their QB situation is⌠shaky. Tua has the obvious injury history, but surrounding him is a lot of talent in Bijan, Drake, and Pitts (forever a believer).
Can a battered Tua make the Falcons go much faster than we think they should be able to, much like the proverbial Nissan Altima on a crowded highway?
Carolina Panthers - Mazda Miata
All of my various mathâs and water wasting calculations are telling me the Panthers are going to be feisty this year.
Much like a Mazda Miata, theyâre going to be fun & unthreatening (at least this year). But⌠maybe thereâs some magic brewing down in Charlotte.
New Orleans Saints - Ford Focus ST
They are going to surprise some people with how good they are.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Toyota Sequoia
We kind of know what to expect out of this squad. Theyâll be good, they very well could win the division. Are they going to do more than meet everyoneâs expectations? Probably not.
Thatâs all 32 teams folks! Thanks for reading. Feel free to let me know your picks for your favorite (or least favorite teams) - you can respond right here.
Bonus points if you can guess which team I support.
And rememberâŚ
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That's a wrap for today. And if you want more MaxFindsCars, be sure to follow Maxâs Twitter (@maxjzin)